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| le owner |
It's disappointing and sad, both at once. When your head is overwhelmed with unspoken words.
My vision gets blurry day by day. It'confusing. The unseen wound is painfully excruciating. The silent scream is deafening. Sleepless night, by night.
Hell exists in this world, I swear to God it exists.
In the coldest night. In the darkest hour. In this sad, sad memory I wander. Alone, and honestly so lonely.
People around acted like they know me.
Judging me like they created me.
Truth is, they did create me. They shaped me to somebody they wanted me to be, even when that means I have to put masks on masks to cover my true self. I have to put on the sweetest smile I got, made by the saltiest tears.
It's hard, and life has never been easy.
I told you I gave up on you, on us. It was actually me that I gave up on.
I gave up on myself.
I'm never gonna make you happy. I'm never gonna make you smile, for I don't know what a smile is. And I have no idea what happiness means.
I swear to God when I said "it's not you, it's me." I was being brutally honest.
It wasn't your fault, never is, and never will be.
My sadness is immortal. It can't be killed. No matter how many times we tried, we ain't killing it. We're killing me.
I've always wanted you, but you're an angel who fell in love with a demon.
And I'm the demon, who fell in love with the sweetest, prettiest angel.
I'm the demon, wearing a mask of a monster, who is wearing a mask of a fallen angel, who is pretending to be the most decent person you've ever met.
Sadly, mi amor, life is a constant battle of good and bad.
Heaven and hell aren't one. They are separated, yet they're joined into one, in which we call it, this world.
This heartache is unbearable. The whispers are real. The pain is inevitable.
Tonight I took few sips of liquor, and take a couple puffs of cig.
Tonight I took the blade, and slowly cut it along my thigh.
Tonight I stood on a rooftop, screaming my lungs out.
Tonight I stared at the night sky, it's brighter than my life.
Tonight I took a final glance at your photograph inside my wallet.
Tonight I decided to end this all, make it fast so the pain won't last.
I'm sorry you had to fall in love with a demon.
I should've known where I belong.
I'll be loving you from afar.
Just as how I've been doing so far.
I love you, but I hate myself.
And truly, one can never learn to love others when they don't know how to love themselves.
///
"So let me just give up.
So let me just let go.
Let me just stop trying.
Let me just stop fighting."
-- Katelyn Tarver, You Don't Know
Ask anyone, they'll tell that heavy dose of melancholia ain't healthy. But there wasn't much choice either when the whole world insists on the whole light and dark thing. That there's salvation into the light and damnation awaits for those embraces the dark. Heartbreaking, for those who finds their most comfort in the dark while being angel on day job.
ReplyDeleteThe saying that there's darkness in all of us wasn't joking. The joke however, is that how nobody from the so called 'brighter side' never really saw other way to address the issue other than purging. Say, you're born with both light and dark in you. Why insists on being something you're wasn't meant to be? You're made to be human, gray being. Nothing dictates you to transcendence into angels or demons. You cant purge something part of you without spilling blood, can't you?
This angels and demons business in all of us creates sense of impossibly huge gap between human. Like you don't belong with another because you perceive they're from another realm entirely? LMAO I can imagine the real angels and demons laughing down on our constant existential crisis caused by the silliest thing, that we can't accept that we're gray ashes.
Damn good ... both of you .. gosh i am in love with those wordsssss
DeleteDamn good ... both of you .. gosh i am in love with those wordsssss
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteBro do u have a writing platform? Asking for a friend
DeleteSeriously all of your word are basically the same on my head and my diary even before I read this kind of good feeling when someone have the same though as you as I always wonder by who am I and what I'll be...it hurt and tiring to keep everyone pleased and not disappoint in you while me always keeping a real good mask infront them ...
Deletehi budakrepeat.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteI love your post! your words! please.. next book please :)
ReplyDeleteAt the end of this post, my tears burst out..
ReplyDeleteLaang Leav ?
ReplyDeleteEsc that i bought from mph. Bring me here..
ReplyDeleteEsc that i bought from mph. Bring me here..
ReplyDeleteSomehow.. I miss my old me too. 4 years passed since I came here, being a new person with new way of thinking and all and truthfully.. This person that I've becomes is not me at all. Maturity goes along well, but the darkness also slipping into most of my heart. I miss God. I miss me. I miss.. Your old writing. However Mr Mato, don't ever give up. Good luck in your endeavour! In the end, we're just the human being who'll return to Him, late or fast. Eitheir in the tears of sadness or the opposite.. It's our choice. Start making our decision now. Time won't wait for us :)
ReplyDeletei dont kno if u're still in this state, probably not, lookin at the time frame, but ima sayin what i got to say. inspiration is vital, we all need it , but it's hard to find one yet there's a saying which sounds like "let the death be enough of inspiration." im not gonna lie on my face saying that really inspire me a lot. so my whole point is, stay strong, because you would never hve any idea how many hearts were tied to you. im not feeling you, i just speak of myself and im not sorry for that. just wanna tell you, the butterfly doesnt see its beauty, but the world does :) it has been a year since i bought esc. i know there's hope in everywhere. smile.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, wherever or whatever you are mato. I hope u read this.Whatever happened. Stay strong for yourself. No matter how cruel this world was.Remember that the one that created you Allah swt will never ever leave you alone. I've been thinking on why u dont post any blog yet now. Yet i know what was the reason now :") Im really inspired by you even i dont even know you. Through all your writing i can judge you that The demon inside you have gone long time ago. Dont ever search for it again and be "It" again just because you're broken for someone or anything. Yes this Dunya is crazy but this is not our home. Our home is akhirah,we're struggling to get there together as a muslim. Akhirah(Jannah) is waiting for those who really repented and struggling to do good deeds like you.This is it,the writes that you made to inspire and give hope to others to live the life instead on choosing suicide. This is it. You've done your best. May all of ur efforts on writing became the bridge for you to enter Jannah. In shaa Allah. Keep writing and keep inspiring peoplewith ur writes.There's a HOPE to be better and better even when everything seems not right in our eyes.Love and regards from me to you. May Allah ease you in everything you do and keep heart strength between you. Aamiin :)
ReplyDelete"they'll tell that heavy dose of melancholia ain't healthy,"
ReplyDeleteTrue. But only claiming things and classifying it won't do anything. What have they done to prevent it so? What have WE done to make it better? Some people would just shrugs and brush things off because it matters nothing to them. But some struggles every single day not to stay dead. It's the matter of self stand, but it the meantime people made them that way. Some would just say, 'Oh, you can forget what other people talk about you, screw them,' etc etc but somehow you can't stop to remember every single pain that you received from them. As if, nothing happens *smirk* I probably don't know anything about someone else's pain, but I do know they need someone to embrace them, because they are not able to embrace their own. I know they need someone, just someone, throughout the whole life, to sincerely ask whether they're okay or not. And truly care about how they feel. Not just simply turn the question into a professional session or numb questions that they never meant to ask.
Just a thought.
Some people would just judge and appear significantly innocent, preach like they had all those shits smeared at them and they excel going through it. That's bullshit. Truth is either they were born with silver spoon in their mouth, or they grown up with only two brain cells and live on by smudging rubbish into their guts. They know nothing. And by NOTHING, I mean NOTHING. I may sounded so negative now, but that the pain truth.
Superb Blog Thanks For Sharing Such an Amazing Post.
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Nice post, keep it up. Hope you are well.
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