Sunday, 22 October 2017

Coming Out, Maybe?


If there is any other way to express my sadness, it will be through writing.

The urge to write, but have no idea what to say. The urge to stay strong, but emotionally drained, almost losing it all.

You thought you know, but you don't. You thought you're strong, but you are not. You thought the World is on your side, but you're wrong.

You thought it'd be cool to insult, but when the table turns, when everything goes against you. You will know. You will understand, but it will be too late to say sorry to those you hurt before.

People change, and at one point, so do I. Perhaps I should go back to where I belong.

This is just a little bit of my story I haven't told but those who know me will know this - the biggest turning point in my life. How I turned bad, real bad.

It was a little breezy that day, and I was a normal 14-year-old teenager. Few days before Eid, just like today (hijri calendar).

I was in love, real deep love. Seeing the world, for a sheer moment I thought the world was mine. I wasn't all naive and innocent but she changed it all, made me wanted to start over, let us put it that way.

Before I begin, let me share a bit of my past way before I was 14.

I had a terrible, terrible childhood, making me believed that there is no good in love. There is no love at all.

Perhaps, my first 'official' meeting (encounter) with my father was when I was around 4 to 5 year old. I still remember it clearly, as though it was yesterday. Maybe it was yesterday.

When I was 6, my teacher called my mom and she had to rush from work just to pick me up from kindergarten. I couldn't remember that much, but all I know is that my mom was very upset that day. She didn't utter a word until late that day. She said, "The teacher told me you were being rude."

I didn't know what rude was, but all I knew was the word made her very, very upset.

What did I do in the class? Well, I made fun of the teacher. Forgive me, teacher. I didn't mean to. It was just that, I don't know what was right and what was wrong.

Enough with that, although I was a bit mischievous at first, I became a lot passive when I turned 7. I went to one private integrated school, it was bad and good altogether.

I was passive in my first 4 years, which means I was passive until I was 10. I was quiet. My grades weren't all good. I failed twice on my tajwid exams when I was in standard 4. I was always the top 20 students, out of 21 students. My parents seemed to give up on me. I don't mind though. I know I'm not like my eldest sister. She was all bright and smart. She got everything a 12-year-old girl could ever wish for. She got all the talents, fame, love from everyone around. I don't blame her for that. She was a perfect example of a perfect life, in my opinion, as a 10 year old child.

And there I go, at the corner of a huge box. Living my dark life. I was molested, I was bullied, name anything harsh you've gone through, I can tell you I faced double the situation. Some teachers even made fun of me, threw my books outside the classroom because I was so stupid.

I've never shared it with my parents, until today. But whatever, shit happens.

Some things do change, like my life. When I was 11, I started joining sports in school. It was cool, okay. Taekwondo, futsal, archery, handball. Name it. I'll be there and make sure I score everything perfectly, and I did. I even played for the state.

 I got 5As for my UPSR yet I got Jayyid Jiddan for my PSRA but that's fine. I'm not interested in religion anyway. I started being so bad, the table turned. I was good and bad at the same time. In front of my parents, I was all angelic. Behind them, I was the bully. I bullied because I was so tired being bullied. I thought I had my first love, weird because you know what? I was in love with someone much older. I won't tell who, but what weirder was, I've never thought I'll come out of the closet, I was in love with someone with the same gender as mine.

Weird, I know. I've never heard of homosexuality. Yet I was so in love. It was weird. My parents knew and they were worried. My eldest sister knew but I don't know if she's worried or not. It was all weird, because even when they all knew about it, nobody gives a fuck.

I've been molested a lot, but why oh why maybe that made me got interested even more. I learned about sex from those group of bad people when I was 12.

Anyways that was a little bit of my past. Let's come back to where I was 14.

For a second I thought, God, I'm actually a straight person. Good.

So I was in a relationship with, let's say, Diana.

I was in love, real deep love. Seeing the world, for a sheer moment I thought the world was mine. I wasn't all naive and innocent but she changed it all, made me wanted to start over, let us put it that way.

It was the best few months of my life. I felt like being loved, a real one. It was so nice, you know? To be in love.

We went to different schools, but that's alright. At that moment, she had family issues. Her parents were recently divorced. I had my own family issue as well, perhaps not as massive as hers, but different kind of issue. I won't tell, it's my family's personal issue.

Things went very smoothly until a few days before Eid. Just like today.

I was in Korea, my dad worked there at that time. Diana started to distance herself from me. So far I don't think I'm able to chase her, yet tried and of course, I failed.

She left me hanging. I texted her. I emailed her (please note at that time WhatsApp never existed, so did any other online applications on mobile phones).

Damn it was painful.

I was a naughty little kid, and then during my teenage years, I was learning. I turned a little bit more mischievous, and then I turned good and everything went perfectly when I was with her. Of course, we had our dirty moments, although I've never taken her to bed.

And then she left me.


I can't remember exactly when I wrote this, but today when I was scrolling all drafted entries on my blog, I came across this one. And it stopped there. So I won't continue, because I don't want to 'interfere' my old self's way of writing.

It was all true. And perhaps now I know why, it wasn't published or posted at all - because I was scared of judgements. From readers. And maybe that was the reason I stopped abruptly.

It's weird to read my old writing and feels like I've never written it all. I'm just going to leave it here. For you to read, and for you to judge. Cheers.


Anonymous said...

i always enjoy reading your writing since 2013.. cheers & ❤

Anonymous said...

Cheers up mato❤

Anonymous said...

Pressure does create diamond❤

Anonymous said...

Share us what made you so brave telling us this

Anonymous said...

Not judging but the feelings you put while writing this took me to another world. Your World, perhaps. Cheers

Anonymous said...

I also got 5As for my UPSR & jayid jiddan for my PSRA!
Heartbreaks make people change.
I’m greatful that you’ve become a wonderful person that you are now.
Without taking risks, one cannot possibly progress in life after all.
Well done Mato.
Allah still loves you!

Anonymous said...

MATO, tulisan hang memang power. Otak hang memang di luar kotak. life must goes on okay. cheer up!

Anonymous said...

Live is hard . Its even harder if you had a family issues . Im currently in those state and last night my depression worst when I really start to think abt suicide . I thought and cried , days and night since its holiday in Pahang. Upset with myself for being too weak and make a fuss for something I shouldnt . Its thanks to you I became a lil bit calmer , knowing there is someone out there who share the same feeling as mine , calm me down a bit . Im going to sit for my SPM next two weeks and Im going to live for teacher's expectation . Wish me luck . And of course , thanks for giving me another hope to continue to live.

Cahaya said...

I remember this story and also ur story that u told me few years ago.

Anonymous said...

I really like your cool style how you influence we people with your you promote them just so unique and really touchingg.. admirable damn good ..plis mato..bila hiatus nak smpi rumah niiii.. waitingg..keep up the good job matooooo❤

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the new update

Siti Fatimah said...

:) i know that feelings...

Anonymous said...

Everyone has their own dark-past. It's okay..what's important is who we are now *senyum*

Julia Tarmidi said...

salam singgah dan follow. :)

Nurrul Hadzriena said...

always supporting you no matter what, i swear.

Anonymous said...

Already read hiatus..confused,speechless.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Mato, I don't know who you're but you're still good regardless.
Everyone is flawed anyway.
and I still love you.r writing.

Keep up the good work


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...