Matonism

Matonism

Saturday, 22 July 2017

From Your Demon

le owner


It's disappointing and sad, both at once. When your head is overwhelmed with unspoken words.

My vision gets blurry day by day. It'confusing. The unseen wound is painfully excruciating. The silent scream is deafening. Sleepless night, by night.

Hell exists in this world, I swear to God it exists.

In the coldest night. In the darkest hour. In this sad, sad memory I wander. Alone, and honestly so lonely.

People around acted like they know me.
Judging me like they created me.

Truth is, they did create me. They shaped me to somebody they wanted me to be, even when that means I have to put masks on masks to cover my true self. I have to put on the sweetest smile I got, made by the saltiest tears.

It's hard, and life has never been easy.

I told you I gave up on you, on us. It was actually me that I gave up on.
I gave up on myself.

I'm never gonna make you happy. I'm never gonna make you smile, for I don't know what a smile is. And I have no idea what happiness means.


I swear to God when I said "it's not you, it's me." I was being brutally honest.

It wasn't your fault, never is, and never will be.


My sadness is immortal. It can't be killed. No matter how many times we tried, we ain't killing it. We're killing me.


I've always wanted you, but you're an angel who fell in love with a demon.
And I'm the demon, who fell in love with the sweetest, prettiest angel.

I'm the demon, wearing a mask of a monster, who is wearing a mask of a fallen angel, who is pretending to be the most decent person you've ever met.

Sadly, mi amor, life is a constant battle of good and bad.
Heaven and hell aren't one. They are separated, yet they're joined into one, in which we call it, this world.

This heartache is unbearable. The whispers are real. The pain is inevitable.

Tonight I took few sips of liquor, and take a couple puffs of cig.
Tonight I took the blade, and slowly cut it along my thigh.
Tonight I stood on a rooftop, screaming my lungs out.
Tonight I stared at the night sky, it's brighter than my life.

Tonight I took a final glance at your photograph inside my wallet.

Tonight I decided to end this all, make it fast so the pain won't last.

I'm sorry you had to fall in love with a demon.
I should've known where I belong.

I'll be loving you from afar.
Just as how I've been doing so far.

I love you, but I hate myself.
And truly, one can never learn to love others when they don't know how to love themselves.



///


"So let me just give up.
So let me just let go.

Let me just stop trying.
Let me just stop fighting."

-- Katelyn Tarver, You Don't Know

12 comments:

Rain said...

Ask anyone, they'll tell that heavy dose of melancholia ain't healthy. But there wasn't much choice either when the whole world insists on the whole light and dark thing. That there's salvation into the light and damnation awaits for those embraces the dark. Heartbreaking, for those who finds their most comfort in the dark while being angel on day job.

The saying that there's darkness in all of us wasn't joking. The joke however, is that how nobody from the so called 'brighter side' never really saw other way to address the issue other than purging. Say, you're born with both light and dark in you. Why insists on being something you're wasn't meant to be? You're made to be human, gray being. Nothing dictates you to transcendence into angels or demons. You cant purge something part of you without spilling blood, can't you?

This angels and demons business in all of us creates sense of impossibly huge gap between human. Like you don't belong with another because you perceive they're from another realm entirely? LMAO I can imagine the real angels and demons laughing down on our constant existential crisis caused by the silliest thing, that we can't accept that we're gray ashes.

zurainma 00 said...

Damn good ... both of you .. gosh i am in love with those wordsssss

zurainma 00 said...

Damn good ... both of you .. gosh i am in love with those wordsssss

nrainsyhdh said...

hi budakrepeat.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I love your post! your words! please.. next book please :)

Siti Fatimah said...

At the end of this post, my tears burst out..

Siti Fatimah said...

Laang Leav ?

Cautz azry said...

Esc that i bought from mph. Bring me here..

Cautz azry said...

Esc that i bought from mph. Bring me here..

kazuki kaori said...

Somehow.. I miss my old me too. 4 years passed since I came here, being a new person with new way of thinking and all and truthfully.. This person that I've becomes is not me at all. Maturity goes along well, but the darkness also slipping into most of my heart. I miss God. I miss me. I miss.. Your old writing. However Mr Mato, don't ever give up. Good luck in your endeavour! In the end, we're just the human being who'll return to Him, late or fast. Eitheir in the tears of sadness or the opposite.. It's our choice. Start making our decision now. Time won't wait for us :)

Arihas Michiki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

i dont kno if u're still in this state, probably not, lookin at the time frame, but ima sayin what i got to say. inspiration is vital, we all need it , but it's hard to find one yet there's a saying which sounds like "let the death be enough of inspiration." im not gonna lie on my face saying that really inspire me a lot. so my whole point is, stay strong, because you would never hve any idea how many hearts were tied to you. im not feeling you, i just speak of myself and im not sorry for that. just wanna tell you, the butterfly doesnt see its beauty, but the world does :) it has been a year since i bought esc. i know there's hope in everywhere. smile.

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