Lacuna

 It’s been a very, very long while since I last let you read all my ramblings, and probably my miseries too.

First off, if you’re still reading this. I just want to wish you a happy new year. I hope the odd is on our side this time. Honestly I don’t know why I am still writing. I kinda feel detached from so many things since I started adulting. Studying, working and everything took too much of my time. I missed the feelings where I know what to say, now I’m just at lost. I don’t even know where to begin.

One thing that I do know is that I missed being here, as budak tomato once more. Although it’s gonna be suuuper funny because I am already a matured adult. I began writing when I was in school, carried on to my higher education and suddenly somewhere in 2015 became the day I stopped writing. Suddenly it all came to me that what’s next?

What do I gain and where should I go from now onwards?

Sometimes I do feel like just disappear from here and be merry with the life I have built. The spark I once had is long gone.

But truth is, I owe you guys a lot. You were here with me during my darkest phase, you were here during my childish phase, you were here when I thought I found my loved one, and again you were here to witness my heartbreak. Time passes, I lost so many friends along the way. I stopped being excited over things. I became goal driven and I only want to achieve what I want to achieve.

Deep down, there are way too many plans I had. But I am so occupied with life, and how busy life took me. Some said, if you truly love someone, you will definitely make time for them. I guess I am a bad lover then, because I can barely make time for myself, let alone for you.

Well maybe I can make this just like my small diary where I share things, like how I did before. Maybe that way, you will know that I am still here, just a click away from you. 

Oh yes about Lacuna. It means an unfilled space or a gap, or a missing portion in a book or manuscript. Perhaps, being here with you fills up my lacuna. Hehe. Anyway,  guess it’s time to sign off. I still have plenty to do right now.

And if you’re reading this, just so you know I was supposed to post a new year video wish on Instagram but well, life caught me up. I owe you one (wink, wink).

Love,

Mato.

2020 Yang Bahagia

Rupanya dah terlalu lama aku pendam perasaan. Terlalu lama aku biar dipijak, digunakan. Terlalu lama aku simpan kesakitan. Luka, koyak, pecah, retak semua aku tutup dengan lapis-lapis penafian. Aku anggap ditolak, dimaki, dihina, dicaci itu semua biasa. Sebab dah terlalu lama aku biar orang gunakan aku, cuma sebab aku nak diterima. Sedangkan manusia sifatnya tak pernah puas. Kejayaan langsung tak dikenang, kesilapan lama ditayang-tayang.

Malam terakhir tahun 2020, aku duduk termenung mengenang nasib setahun yang telah berlalu. Untuk yang tak tahu, tahun 2019 aku berazam untuk lebih mencintai diri sendiri. Tapi penghujung tahun 2019 sangat pahit untuk ditelan, sudah jatuh tambah pula ditimpa tangga. 

Rupanya benar kata orang tua-tua, sungguh yang pahit itulah ubat. Sedang yang manis belum tentu sihat dan selamat. Aku belajar melepaskan, dan aku belajar untuk terima bahawa takdir kisah cinta aku penghujungnya bukan pada alam perkahwinan. Benda yang paling aku risaukan akhirnya jadi kenyataan. Mungkin pedih itulah yang mendewasakan. Akhirnya pada awal tahun 2020, aku pilih untuk bawa diri jauh. Aku pilih untuk mulakan yang baru. Aku pilih untuk langsung tidak ungkit, atau marah. Mulanya dari situ, aku menyambung azam tahun baru untuk berkata-kata yang baik sahaja ataupun diam.

Awalnya susah. Apa saja dalam dunia ni, tak ada permulaan yang mudah. Apatah lagi untuk memulakan semula selepas kau dah jatuh terduduk di bawah.

Ada perkara, kita dimatangkan oleh pengalaman. Ada masa, kita dimatangkan oleh ilmu.

Indahnya malam kerana bulan, indahnya hidup kerana tuhan. Malam ini, genap setahun selepas luka lama aku rawat. Ditemani sayup-sayup bunyi angin dan hujan, aku baca semula tulisan-tulisan aku dulu, yang jauh lebih cantik bahasanya, jauh lebih tulus isinya.

Genap juga 10 tahun aku berada di dunia papan kekunci dan skrin, dibelakang topeng manusia tanpa nama. Banyak yang telah berlaku, jatuh bangun, tangis tawa. Untuk tahun kesepuluh, aku cuma berharap aku lebih banyak merefleksi diri. Kerana apa aku menulis, sebab dulu aku cuma tulis untuk berkongsi rasa. Semenjak terbit buku, sana sini aku ditekan. Semenjak terbit buku juga, aku hilang kawan yang dulunya jadi tempat aku berkongsi cerita. Semuanya kerana nama.

Itu cerita dulu, semoga dia terus berada dalam lindungan tuhan dan digandakan kejayaan.

Sekarang aku berkenalan dengan orang-orang baru, dan aku mulakan semula hidup baru. Aku disayangi oleh orang yang tahu menghargai. Aku dikelilingi dengan orang yang peduli. Aku mula faham, yang persahabatan itu tak akan bersulam umpat dan hasad. Aku belajar untuk melepaskan apa yang diluar kawalan - seperti perasaan dan kata-kata orang.

Aku belajar menghargai, walau cuma ada sesaat saja, aku akan pastikan itu adalah satu saat yang terindah untuk dikenang.

Terus, 2020 memberi makna baru dalam hidup aku. Memberi peluang untuk aku terus belajar dan perbaiki diri.

Mungkin dalam masa terdekat, aku cuma akan tulis di sini, dan juga satu buku dalam bentuk ebook nanti. Itu saja.

Terima kasih sebab sudi peduli, terima kasih sebab tak jemu merai. Semoga tuhan limpahkan bahagia pada semua yang membaca. Aku setuju, aku juga rindu aku yang dulu. Aku yang belum dilukakan dan digunakan. Aku yang cuma mahu menulis untuk berkongsi.

Salam sayang,

Mato.

Which way is the heaven?

If there is only one thing you can tell me, what will it be?

I looked at her, and then I shook my head no. "Nothing," I said.  "Nothing," I repeated.

She gave me a faint smile, "anything at all?" Her eyes were beaming with hopes.

"I want all these to end." Under my breath, I mumbled. 

"I'm sorry?" She raised her left eyebrow, "I'm sorry I couldn't hear you. Can you please say it louder?"

My chest felt like bursting. I couldn't breathe properly. Only now, I realized that I have been sobbing loudly for a while. Ms. Adams took me to the teachers' office. She hugged tightly. Tears are still running down my cheek as though they are in some kind of race. "Do you want to tell me anything?" Ms. Adams began checking the bruise marks on both my arms. 

What do I know about the world, and how cruel can it be?

"I don't want to go home." My voice cracked. 

I think Ms. Adams knew what happened that she gave me one big hug. I have never felt safer than I am today.

After all, I am just a five-year-old who is yet to explore the world.

I could not remember what happened next because suddenly everything went all blurry. I could not see Ms. Adams anymore. I heard voices, loud but nothing that I could comprehend.

"Stay with me, okay?" I nodded as I tried to open my eyes. "Hamza, stay with me." 

The sound of ambulance's siren is everywhere, everything became louder, and my head started to hurt. By this time, I don't know what happened. The last thing I remembered was running away from my house, mom was bleeding. I escaped the house and ran into my teacher in front of Costco, two blocks from my house.

I woke up with bandages wrapping my right arm and my head. My body felt all sore. The room is too bright; I thought I'm blind. "Mom?" From where I sit, I can see a woman in a white gown staring at me, in a loving way that I felt welcomed. "Mom, it's me." Mom approaches, and now I can see her vivid and clear. Mom sat next to me and rubbed my bandaged head. "How are you doing?"

"Were you in pain?" I asked mom. She shook her head, "not anymore." She looked completely healed.

"Mom, I'm scared." I grabbed her arm.

Before Mom could respond, I heard a knock on the door. "Good morning, Hamza." A doctor came into the room with two nurses. I pulled mom's arm, but to my surprise, she is no longer here. I was holding a teddy bear instead. "My name is Dr. Paul."

"How are you now, son?" The doctor sat next to me. The place where mom sat a couple second ago. I looked at the doctor. "I'm hungry."

He laughed a little. "I will ask the nurse to send you your breakfast later, but now I need to see if you are getting better." He took out a stick that looked like an ice cream stick and asked me to open my mouth. I did as told because I want to eat. I am so hungry right now.

"Hamza?" Ms. Adams came into the room. "Oh, thank God you are okay." Ms. Adams is my class teacher. She stood next to the doctor as he checked the chart that was hanging in front of my bed.

"How is he doing?"

"He is getting better, but we need to know more about what happened. The cops are waiting for updates. We have updated his relatives in Malaysia about the incident."

"Ms. Adams, there is something that I want you to know." Dr. Paul looked concern, both of them walked a bit farther yet I can still see them.

"We have informed the psychiatric department about his condition. What we don't understand is that he has a lot of cutting marks on both his thighs. I wonder how a boy that age can do such action."

Ms. Adams covered her mouth with her left hand. I could not hear what they were talking about, but I swear I saw her crying. 

Someone grabbed my hand softly that my I turned by reflex. "It's not okay to peek." Mom said.

I nodded, she always taught me to be a good boy. So I turned away, waiting for the nurse to come with my breakfast.

Roses

taken from

...but was it really that easy for you to leave? because it wasn't for me. never was and never will be.

By now, I really couldn't figure what I want to write, or why am I writing. Maybe this is the right time I crawl back here and begin again from square one.

Maybe now is the right time for me to talk about how my life should probably go if we never crossed path.

I stopped drinking since the day we met, but that was the very day I started being drunk. I was never myself when we were together, I forgot what is sober. People keep telling me that I've changed, I was in denial.

I used to drink, but never once I thought that drinking and melancholic are my sober. I could have never written any better than when I'm broken.

I was whole when you were here, but now that you left, only holes that I got.

Maybe it is true that now is the right time for me to talk about how my life should probably go if we never crossed path.

You taught me how to love, and how to be strong. But strong has never been the anchor of my life. I am so used to the sadness that breathing underwater is what I really need to stay alive.


But hey, do you still remember the sleepless nights we spent on that bridge over there? The feud, the laugh, the tears, and the hugs. We shared those moments together, I swear at that time, we were living. At that time we weren't just another love story with a sad ending.

Now I'm letting my thoughts pour wild. I let my fingers dance gracefully on this keyboard. If only I can turn back time, I would rather avoid myself from crossing the path you are in. Or I will just embrace our moment together forever.

Five, six, seven or maybe ten shots of expensive wine. And never have I ever felt this sober since the day we met.


Love, was it that easy to let go? If so, why is only pain that I have to endure?


"On your way home, get me the brightest red rose you see." That was mom's final request before her passing, "I won't disappoint you, mom." was what I said.

As time passes, it is time for me to come home again.

The first red rose was the brightest, "maybe there is one brighter than this in front." so I continued. The next one was a little wilt. "I'm getting the best soon, not this one though." as I walked away.

And there was the last rose, but it wasn't red nor was it the brightest. It was white, sadly, it was too white, and it has a different kind of beauty. "This is the last one, but this is not the one." I picked it anyway.

I knocked on the door, mom was there waiting like she always does since I was small.

"Mom, I got a rose for you." Hesitant at first, but I had to.

She smiled, "this is not the one I asked for."

"I found the best, but I thought I could have picked better."

"My dear, we are always blinded by the imperfections in the most perfect thing ever," I remember that vividly, all the words she uttered. I remember everything.

"We always thought we can get a better one when the best is there right in front of us."


Love, I made the mistake twice. I disappoint my mom and let the best rose slipped off my grip.

You were the rose, you are still, the best rose. Until today I can never forgive myself for letting you go.


"But maybe, there will be something nicer in front." I kept promising myself that.



True, there are nicer roses in front, yet all I can feel is the regret for not choosing you.


May I, may I embark the similar path I walked by. May I rewrite the destiny I neglected? Will you still be there when I come?


Some mistakes can't be undone, and I can't have two roses at once.


But I miss you.

From Your Demon

le owner

It's disappointing and sad, both at once. When your head is overwhelmed with unspoken words.

My vision gets blurry day by day. It'confusing. The unseen wound is painfully excruciating. The silent scream is deafening. Sleepless night, by night.

Hell exists in this world, I swear to God it exists.

In the coldest night. In the darkest hour. In this sad, sad memory I wander. Alone, and honestly so lonely.

People around acted like they know me.
Judging me like they created me.

Truth is, they did create me. They shaped me to somebody they wanted me to be, even when that means I have to put masks on masks to cover my true self. I have to put on the sweetest smile I got, made by the saltiest tears.

It's hard, and life has never been easy.

I told you I gave up on you, on us. It was actually me that I gave up on.
I gave up on myself.

I'm never gonna make you happy. I'm never gonna make you smile, for I don't know what a smile is. And I have no idea what happiness means.


I swear to God when I said "it's not you, it's me." I was being brutally honest.

It wasn't your fault, never is, and never will be.


My sadness is immortal. It can't be killed. No matter how many times we tried, we ain't killing it. We're killing me.


I've always wanted you, but you're an angel who fell in love with a demon.
And I'm the demon, who fell in love with the sweetest, prettiest angel.

I'm the demon, wearing a mask of a monster, who is wearing a mask of a fallen angel, who is pretending to be the most decent person you've ever met.

Sadly, mi amor, life is a constant battle of good and bad.
Heaven and hell aren't one. They are separated, yet they're joined into one, in which we call it, this world.

This heartache is unbearable. The whispers are real. The pain is inevitable.

Tonight I took few sips of liquor, and take a couple puffs of cig.
Tonight I took the blade, and slowly cut it along my thigh.
Tonight I stood on a rooftop, screaming my lungs out.
Tonight I stared at the night sky, it's brighter than my life.

Tonight I took a final glance at your photograph inside my wallet.

Tonight I decided to end this all, make it fast so the pain won't last.

I'm sorry you had to fall in love with a demon.
I should've known where I belong.

I'll be loving you from afar.
Just as how I've been doing so far.

I love you, but I hate myself.
And truly, one can never learn to love others when they don't know how to love themselves.



///


"So let me just give up.
So let me just let go.

Let me just stop trying.
Let me just stop fighting."

-- Katelyn Tarver, You Don't Know